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Selected Monologues of
Beatrice Herford
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Introduction
Introduction (excerpted
from a dissertation by Linda Sue Long entitled
Beatrice Herford, Cissie Loftus and Dorothy
Sands within the Tradition of the Solo
Performance
University of Texas at Austin, School of
Communications, 1982.
Upon seeing Beatrice Herford for the first time,
one of the immediate responses of critics and
audiences was the recognition of her
originality. The most favored term was
"inimitable." Her popularity and acclaim was so
extensive that it led Alexander Woollcott, New
York Times drama critic, to respond, “If there
is a more entertaining woman extant, someone has
been concealing her from us ... [A] single
Beatrice Herford monologue has more art, more
life and more fun in it than three-quarters of
the plays along Broadway. It is one of the few
perfect institutions in an imperfect world."
As the twentieth century was getting under way,
Beatrice Herford who had begun performing her
own monologues in her late twenties, had reached
the height of her career in middle age. Herford
received wide critical acclaim because her style
of performance was a new and effective approach
to comedy in this time of exaggerated
presentational acting. In 1901, the Boston
Evening Transcript described her "prepossessing
presence [as] devoid of artifice," and her
expressions as "never overdone." Herford was
also dubbed a phenomenon because she succeeded
in a field largely restricted to men. And though
critics often spoke of her charming, refined,
delicate manner as a performer, members of The
Vokes Players, the theatre company Herford
started in 1904, painted a somewhat more complex
portrait: "She swore like a trooper . . . was
risqué and very Bohemian, but ... was also a
grande dame ... "
In making her art reflective of life, Herford
strove to avoid exaggeration and the
sensational. She explained, "Just as soon as you
begin to ramp (sic) around the stage, just as
soon as you begin to overdo you cease to be an
artist. Many a time in writing, a climax occurs
to me; but I will not use it, for I realize I
would be sacrificing the truth to a sensation."
Herford engendered this atmosphere of truth even
though her monologues only suggested the
dialogue of other characters. "In my monologues,
I never explain. There is no need; the monologue
explains itself. You gather from the
conversation of the one I am impersonating just
what the other is saying."
In 1896 another reviewer noted: You see, we have
here the drama reduced to its simplest
expression ... We wish those old-school
playwrights who still insist that people must
say things on the stages that they never would
dream of saying in real life----simply to
explain the plot and situation to the
audience--could see her and study the workings
of her system. Although she has no scenery,
properties, nor other accessories, although all
the dramatic persons except herself have to be
taken for granted, we could not in a single
instance catch her saying anything that was
merely explanatory. The humor upon which Herford
relied was primarily recognition comedy.
Audiences saw her monologues as travesties of
everyday activities and as satires of the
foibles of friends, relatives, acquaintances and
sometimes even themselves. Hers was a sort of
"comedy of manners of ... [her] time," quoted
one reviewer in 1951. Her recognizable portraits
were "so absurd and so authentic that ...
audience[s), [though) limp with laughing,
exchanged sidelong looks." After her 1915
vaudeville debut, Herford proved her success
with a variety of audience types by drawing her
society admirers to the vaudeville houses and
her vaudeville fans to the concert halls, with
an appealing entertainment that transcended
social-class barriers. “After I entered
vaudeville, some of my friends remarked, 'Isn't
it wonderful how they enjoy it?' I can't
understand the classification of they ...
Vaudeville is cosmopolitan. It is not bound by
tradition. In fact, it is at this moment the
most progressive part of our theatre.” As the
New York Times reported in 1916, Beatrice
Herford " ... graduated successfully from the
gloved applause of select recitals to the
thunderous approval of vaudeville ... " because
she made no changes in her expectations for
audience intelligence and involvement.
In the Art Museum
Oh, must I check my umbrella? ... It's not wet
... I only brought it because my niece was so
sure it would rain ... she would have come with
me but her little boy has chicken pox ... I
didn't think it looked like it, but she said she
was certain ... it looked so black and now the
sun is out ... she's so positive.
I think I'd better put the umbrella check in my
glove ... I have so many little things in my bag
I should never find it ... What shall I do if I
come out at another door? ... Oh, I have to come
out this way? ... It isn't my umbrella ... it's
my niece's ... not my niece ... my husband's ...
I've lost three this year, so I've given up
having one ... I forget where I leave them.
I want to see the new Rembrandt ... I forget the
name of it ... which way do I go? ... Oh, it
isn't here now? ... It's gone out West ... It's
in California, is it? ... Why, my niece saw it
here I'm sure ... Well, I expect to go to
California someday ... I want to see those big
trees ... my son is out there ... he wrote me
all about one tree he saw ... he writes very
good letters ... this one he wrote me was three
hundred feet in diameter ... Well, I'll go up to
the galleries there are some other pictures I
want to see. I go up these stairs you say? ...
and through the Egyptian rooms? ... Thank you.
I wish I had a catalog ... perhaps I can borrow
one ... that lady has one ... Would you let me
look at your catalog? ... there's a picture I
rather wanted to see, it's called Saturday Night
... a friend told me I must be sure and see it
... Saturday Night ... it might be those men
drinking, but I hope not, I think it's a pity to
depict such things ... They number the pictures
so queerly ... now there is Cows Resting in the
Shade and right beside it Nuns Combing Their
Hair ... Let me see . Saturday Night ... there's
a girl taking a bath ... no, she's fifty-two A
Modern Venus ... Well, I don't know what it
could be, unless it is workmen or someone in a
bath ... Thank you very much. I think I'll look
'round those next rooms ... Oh, here's something
on the floor ... a brass plate ... twenty-five
on it ... it must be off one of the pictures ...
let me see ... twenty-five ... perhaps I can
find the picture it fell off. There don't seem
to be any without numbers ... Oh, there's one
without a number ... that must be it ... I'll
stick it in the corner ... I'm glad I found it.
There seem to be a great many pictures of
animals and fruit in this room ... that reminds
me it must be near lunchtime ... I think I'll go
along ... Let me see, that's the staircase ...
It is raining after all ... that reminds me I
must get my umbrella ... Will you give me my
umbrella, please, or rather my niece's? ... It
has an ivory handle ... or bone I expect ...
with a gold band ... or brass I suppose ... Oh,
can't I get it without a check? I don't think
you gave me a check, did you? ... Let me see
now, where did I put it? I didn't put it in my
bag ...Oh, do you remember? ... In my glove? ...
Oh, now I remember ... Oh dear! I shall lose my
head next ... Oh mercy! ... of course! ... it's
raining so hard, I think I'll have another look
at the pictures ... I shall probably find the
check ... in my bag ... I expect ... I'll just
go up ... If the attendant sees me he'll wonder
what I'm doing ... How ridiculous of me not to
know that was my umbrella check! ... and putting
it on that picture! Oh dear! ... I hope I can
find the picture ... I must have the umbrella it
was in this room I'm sure ... it had animals in
it I know ... a farmyard or something ... Oh,
now that attendant is watching me ... No, thank
you ... I'm just looking for something ...
twenty-five ... twenty-five ... the trouble is
it belongs to my niece my husband's niece ... so
I must find it even if it wasn't raining ... No,
I'm not looking for a picture exactly ... it's
my umbrella ... or rather my niece's · .. I know
there were sheep in it ... but that's all I
remember ... Oh, there are some sheep! ... No,
that isn't it ... that's twenty-seven ... But I
do want a picture ... it's the check for my
umbrella you see ... or rather my niece's ... I
found it on the floor and I thought it came off
a picture ... it dropped out of my glove I
suppose ... and I put it on one that had none
... Do you know where there are any more sheep?
... Or perhaps they were goats ... That's it!
... over there ... I remember now ... they were
goats ... that's what made me say sheep ... this
is it ... twenty-five ... That is an umbrella
check, isn't it? ... Well, I must hurry I shall
be late for lunch ... Thank you, I'll hold it
right in my hand ... you must have thought me
crazy ... but you can't always tell the sheep
from the goats.
In the Flower Shop
I want a few flowers to take to a friend ...
just a few ... it's only a mild attack of flu, I
think. I ought to have taken her some before,
I'm afraid she's almost well ... Yes, roses are
always nice, how much are those roses? ... How
much? ... Six dollars a dozen! Oh, mercy, that's
too much ... What do you call them? ... General
Pershing? No ... I don't want anything so
expensive ... I don't believe it's anything
really more than a bad cold ... I wonder why
they always name them after Generals ... I don't
believe in coddling them ... How much are those
buds? ... Three dollars a dozen? Well, let me
see, three of those would be ... ? Seventy-five
cents you say? ... Why, three times seventy-five
cents would be only two something, wouldn't it?
... Never mind, I expect you're right ... you
must know ... you're doing it all the time. But
I'm afraid they don't look quite enough ... Oh,
no I don't want any ferns with them ... no ... I
don't like ferns, I mean in the house, it's
different in the woods. But I have a friend
who's crazy about ferns, if she has guests she
always puts them in the fireplace ... No, I
don't think I want a plant ... Hydrangeas? I
didn't know they grew indoors, I don't like them
anyway, they sound so like plumbing I was
wondering about carnations ... they keep so
long, don't they? I'm having a few friends to
tea this afternoon, if I used them on the tea
table this afternoon they'd still be fresh to
take to anyone tomorrow, wouldn't they? ... Oh,
they wouldn't be in a warm room, I don't keep my
rooms hot at all, now my sister is just the
opposite, I tell her she keeps hers too hot, but
she has neuritis very badly, and very little sun
in her rooms ... it's mostly in her arms and
they are very dark and gloomy ... Some people
don't like that odor of doves in carnations but
I always like it, my sister, not the one with
the neuritis she can't bear the smell of doves
in carnations or the taste of them but she has a
very peculiar sense of smell, she's always
thinking there's a dead rat in the wall, or even
in cake, I mean the taste of doves ... Well, I
think I'U take eight of those rosebuds, that
will be? ... Two dollars? ... Oh, will it? Well,
I can use some of them for my tea. I ought to
have taken her some flowers before. It will be
just my luck to find she's all well again.
Radio Pudding
I guess it's 'most time for that church service
to begin, it's broadcasted 'bout eleven o'clock
... Go wash your face, Johnny, and put them
tools away. Willie, it won't do you boys no harm
to listen. It's rainin' so hard you can't git
out and you've got the rest of the day to play
... Don't you want to set up nearer the radio,
Pal The rest of us can hear anywheres ... Get
out of that armchair, Willie, and let your pa
have it. I told you to wash your face. I want
yer pa to set in it so he'll be next to the
radio ... Seems to me to get deefer every day,
Pa See what time the kitchen clock says, Johnny,
it's 'most time, I guess ... Ain't you 'most
through in there, Abby? ... Well, come just as
soon as you git the puddin' in the oven ... it
was real good last Sabbath ... I hope it's the
same quartet they had last time ... You don't
want to miss that soprano, I think she had a
real fine voice It wouldn't hurt a mite to put
it in the oven tight away, hurry up, Abby, it's
beginnin' now. They're singin' your favorite
hymn, don't forget to shut the draught ... it
sounds real nice ... did you put plenty of
raisins in? ... I love that hymn ... last time
it didn't have no vanilla in it and it wasn't
near so good. Set down there, Abby, you didn't
miss much of anything ... seems to be kind of a
pause now. Maybe they're passin' the plate ...
guess Pa don't mind missin' that. There's the
soprano now, I guess it's the same one as last
Sabbath ... What's she singin'? It's beginnin'
to smell real good, Abby, how long you goin' to
give it? I think likely you'd better take it out
before the sermon ... She's singin' "0 Source of
All Our Joys." I think hard sauce would be good
with it I'd like less of the organ with it, it
keeps drowning out the voices Maria Gibbs was
tellin' me of a new sauce they use ... That
tenor's voice is real sweet ... it's something
between a hard and a soft kind of foamy … Keep
still, Johnny, we can't hear when you do that
it's the prayer now I guess you better go in the
kitchen during the prayer, Abby, it has a way of
rising up and running over and Pa won't like you
gittin' up in the middle of it ... Take your
feet off that chair, Willie, and take it out of
your mouth or stop chewin'. He certainly is a
great hand to pray ... Wouldn't you be more
comfortable on the lounge, Pa? ... It's real
inspirin' ... it lifts you right up ... No, I'm
all right here. This rocker's real comfortable
since I put that new cushion in it. I just seen
the Bixbys drivin' by. I guess they eat up to
her folks every Sabbath ... they do say he's as
close as the bark on a tree. They was tellin' up
to Ella's the other day that when they was
talkin' of operatin' on his father's leg, he
asked if it would be cheaper to have it cut off
... Where you gain', Johnny? ... Well, you don't
need to, the canary has water and it won't hurt
you a mite to set an' listen to this sermon ...
Take it easy now, Abby set here on the lounge
... is the puddin' all right? It's the sermon
now ... the one last Sunday took 'most two
hours, but I guess the oven warn't so hot as
'tis today ... Is this the same man preached
last Sabbath? ... He sounds awful loud and
excited, I don't care for those rantin'
preachers ... No, there's nothin' burning, Pa,
it's the sermon ... I don't smell nothin' ...
What's that smoke in there, Abby? ... Look! Good
heavens! It's the puddin'!
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Monologue Index
Introduction
In the Art Museum
In the Flower Shop
Radio Pudding
From
The Frivolous Side
January, 1912
The Coat
November, 1911
In a Restaurant
October, 1911
The Conscience Cure
November, 1910
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